Raising Eve, she definitely had tantrums when she was younger that required many moments of co-regulating. She is 4 years old now, and learning to better deal with her tantrums. Elle is 2 years old, and we have been working our best to help her manage her big emotions. Is it difficult? Do these tantrums completely drain every ounce of energy from you? Absolutely. Let’s normalize and validate our frustrations as parents when it comes to the challenges of parenting. It is not easy. And it is fair to have our own moments of mental breakdowns. But sometimes we need to have those check-ins and reminders for ourselves that our little ones do not have the cognitive ability yet to process their emotions, and keep it together when there’s a disruption in their tiny little world. Hopefully some of these strategies will work for you, and if you are already doing some of these, good for you! Consistently stick with it, because even though you may not see the end result now, you are building that foundation early and teaching your child the appropriate skills for them to learn as they’re older.
Remain Calm
Do not ignite a bigger flame to a fire that is already burning. Your calm demeanor can help soothe your child. A gentle stroke of your touch, or your calming voice will be far more effective than raising your voice, or reacting with anger or frustration. Children who are unable to process their emotions at an early age will not deescalate to more heightened behavior. Staying calm requires patience that we can understand is not always something we might have. But effectively maintaining your composure, and also understanding why your child is throwing a tantrum, can also help you remain calm. Remember, as parents and adults, we already have the skills and cognition to regulate our emotions. Children do not.
Acknowledge Their Feelings
The language you use when your child is throwing a tantrum can be very powerful. Alternatively, using reassuring and validating statements can begin the de escalation of your child’s tantrums. Use statements like, “I can see you’re very upset” rather than “why are you getting so upset?” Reducing the blame and rephrasing your statements can have effective changes to your child’s tantrum. Tantrums are normal with early child development. They eventually reduce and become easier as long as we acknowledge their feelings and open a dialogue where we can process their emotions. We cannot remove tantrums completely. Sometimes we need to just allow our children to express their frustrations the best way they know how.
Work on Transitions
Transitions from one activity to another can always be a challenge for children. Imagine you are having a tough day at work, and you are counting the seconds to your next break. You finally get to sit and relax, and maybe have a snack. Then suddenly, your boss decides to pull you back into work unexpectedly because a customer needs your immediate attention. How would you feel about this unpredictable transition? Children don’t like it either. Try to provide warnings. “I’m going to give you 2 more minutes at the park, and then we have to go home.” This way, you are allowing predictability, and your child is preparing for the next transition. If your child needs something more tangible than verbal warnings, you can set up a physical timer on your phone, or buy a timer that is kid friendly. As your child works on transitions, they might fuss briefly, but the tantrum would be much less significant opposed to a change in activity without a warning.
First and Then
Communication is key. Often we will become frustrated when our children are not following instructions, but at times we are not always clear, or we provide too many instructions at a time. Keep it simple. Rather than explaining to your child what we are doing for the next 10 activities, use the least amount of words at a time. Your child is kicking and screaming at the dinner table because you took their Oreo cookie. You start getting overwhelmed, and you might be saying multiple things at once and trying to calm them down, but it simply won’t register with them because they are already at a heightened state. So keep it simple: “First dinner, then cookie.” And keep repeating it until they hear you. Maintain your boundaries, and keep being consistent. Eventually you will set these expectations, because tantrums eventually become learned tantrums as they are older if you do not work on them now.